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I'm having trouble at the moment. But here's an excerpt from my story I'm currently revising


His whole body trembled as he traced his tender fingertips across my forehead. This circular gesture which he repeated often in a passionate manner made my whole body moist with beads of sweat. It was like heaven, and it was the greatest thing I've ever felt in my life. Seconds seemed to feel like hours and each touch he gave me sent an orchestra of pleasure and chills down my spine. It was enthralling. I was enchanted. But then it all had to vanish when the door opened, and there standing in the golden light from the living room, was my mother.

His whole body trembled as he traced his tender fingertips across my forehead. This circular gesture which he repeated often in a passionate manner made my whole body moist with beads of sweat. It was like heaven, and it was the greatest thing I've ever felt in my life. Seconds seemed to feel like hours and each touch he gave me sent an orchestra of pleasure and chills down my spine. It was enthralling. I was enchanted. But then it all had to vanish when the door opened, and there standing in the golden light from the living room, was my mother.




You need to read more books. Your writing is the mark of an under-read person. It'll answer all of your questions and fix your writing considerably.


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I have to agree- your lack of experience is showing.

You need to connect to your topic and then convey that connection to your reader. You can't transmit 'wonderful.' Also, the overuse of adjectives tends to point to an inability say what you want to.

Practice makes perfect so don't give up. Just realize where you are in the journey

Whether one writes fiction or non-fiction, a convincing love scene is an achievement. Plenty of otherwise good writers fail miserably at this craft. The less you say the better. Don't discuss his or her "moves" unless you are writing comedy.

In defense of MakeShiftShell, who I see is an Official Newbie, the context was not given. I would have to read the scene setting to get a better grasp.

Second, the criticism on this thread has been very blunt. That can really turn a writer off. I've not seen criticism like this since I received a letter from a publisher I had “previously” worked with.

So MakeShiftShell, hang in there. Write how you see it. You know how to write. I can tell it.

MakeShiftShell, I agree with Brooks127. You need to set the scene. Is your story really a romance? A comedy? Tragedy?

"But then it all had to vanish when the door opened, and there standing in the golden light from the living room, was my mother." What happens next?

(1) "You bastard!" she screamed, raising my father's revolver. "I'll teach you to mess with my daughter."

(2) "What have we here?" she said as she stepped closer. She tossed a foil-wrapped condom to us. "Please use common sense."

Okay, these were clichéd phrases, but I hope you see my point. And yes, keep writing; you should see some of the dreck I turned out when I started.

If I were to edit this. I would do it this way.

His whole body trembled as he traced his tender fingertips across my forehead. This circular gesturemade my whole body moist. It was the greatest thing I've ever felt in my life. Seconds seemed to feel like hours, and each touch he gave me sent an orchestra of pleasure and chills down my spine. It was enthralling. I was enchanted. But then it all had to vanish when the door opened, and there standing in the golden light from the living room, was my mother.

Sometimes less words make more impact.

Hi MSShell

i enjoyed the paragraph, especially the twist at the end with the disastrous timing of dear Mama! What is it with mothers and timing? Love just blunders in oblivious.

here's an altered version, not because it's any better, but because it might give you another perspective.


His body trembled as he traced my forehead with his fingertips. This circular gesture which he repeated made my whole body wet with beads of sweat. It was heaven and hell all at once, the greatest sensation I've felt in my life. Seconds seemed like hours and each touch sent a new wave of hunger through my body, inescapable, I was ready to drown. But then the door opened, and there, standing in the stark light of the living room, was my mother.

To my opinion there are two main parts of good writing such scenes: personal experience and reading other books. Try to read some books with the similar topic u have (but never read 20 shades of gray).
Also i would like to know your opinion about this article on college essay help price reflective service website? Is it a good example of advertising article?