Suzanne wrote:Honesty can be selfish. If you have some sort of confession to make, or secret to get off your chest because it will ease your mind and give comfort to you, but will hurt the person you are confessing to, I think you need to step back and examine your motives.

etudiant wrote:No, the human mind was never designed to be laid bare. Having an editor is a good thing, but the trick is to get to know the editor personally, and know exactly what, and why items are being passed, modified, or tossed in the waste bin.

I think that Radical Honesty is selfish because it only gives the person being honest any comfort. For the listener, it's just a way of getting feelings hurt ESPECIALLY if this is a new policy.

I am all for honesty in a non-painful fashion. I'm for honesty now that will prevent more pain later. However, changing the rules in the middle of the game is not cool - not cool at all.

Krysondra wrote:I am all for honesty in a non-painful fashion. I'm for honesty now that will prevent more pain later. However, changing the rules in the middle of the game is not cool - not cool at all.

Rules. I agree with you about honesty in the present. My husband and I set a "rule" that we both need to address problems honestly in the present and not to bring up issues from the past. You've heard the saying, "the fight about the toliet seat is not about the toliet seat", this is so true. I have to say, it works for us. This may sound sexist, but I do believe men and women distribute the weight of a problem differently. Maybe honesty and respect go hand in hand. A husband, or wife, may not understand the feelings of a spouse, however, those feelings need to be respected. Otherwise, there will be fights over toliet seats. I guess what I'm trying to say is, that in a valuable relationship people should feel comfortable with being honest.

This goes with kids too. A few days ago my 13 year old son took me aside and said, "I want to talk to you, you are not going to like it, but I want to talk". This type of honesty is crucial between kids and parents. You don't want a child to be afraid of exposing his feelings or thoughts or actions. Loved ones should be advacates for one another, and again, you need to respect their honesty. This reminds me of another saying, "little kids; little problems, big kids; big problems". If there is an open exchange of honesty, the BIG problem doesn't sound so big. It's the emotions that kids can harbor that can get out of control, have to say, my "talk" with my son brought us closer together.

Honesty between partners is tricky. I've been married for almost 20 years, at this point, there are no more secrets to tell, if there is, I've forgotten them. I don't believe that spouses need to lay out their entire past, not all at one time anyway. What do you think, how much truth about your life (before meeting your partner) should be exposed. What should be exposed?

As a terribly blunt person, I've learned it is good to know when to keep your mouth shut. Honesty can be good, but most people don't want to hear it, even when they say they do. In my husband's family, a lot goes unsaid. Needless to say, I bite my tongue a lot. But in my own family, I'm very honest with them and they with me. It works for some, but not most. In theory, radical honesty is a nice thought, but in reality, it's just that, a nice thought.

Suzanne wrote:This goes with kids too. A few days ago my 13 year old son took me aside and said, "I want to talk to you, you are not going to like it, but I want to talk". This type of honesty is crucial between kids and parents. You don't want a child to be afraid of exposing his feelings or thoughts or actions. Loved ones should be advacates for one another, and again, you need to respect their honesty. This reminds me of another saying, "little kids; little problems, big kids; big problems". If there is an open exchange of honesty, the BIG problem doesn't sound so big. It's the emotions that kids can harbor that can get out of control, have to say, my "talk" with my son brought us closer together.

Suzanne, I'm impressed with your son, and your parenting. I really hope I can do the same with my daughters.

A little thinking goes a long way. Allow me this refresher look into comunication, then See what I say.

When we intend to communicate honestly, what we are really trying to do, is to communicate our intentions, thoughts or feelings to another by the means of some sort of medium, such as language.

communication is not about just talking.
communication is sending and RECEIVING
meaning:
Intention encoded into language spoken, then received by listener decoded and intention understood.
thought encoded into language spoken, then received by listener decoded and thought undertood.
feeling encoded into language spoken, then received by listener decoded and feeling understood.

however in many cases, when you deicde to communicate honestly the receiver will decode incorretly and not understand you. in this case communication would not be received correctly. no matter how honestly you try to state your message often your message is not received correctly, and therefore this is not honest communication.

therefore:
you can be radically honest, however you have not been radically honestly communicating, and that is why you stop yourself in many communications, because in many cases you recognize that your radically honest statements can be misinterpreted and therefore not understood.