Hello everyone. It's a pleasure to be here.

[Thrillwriter]

Thank you Interbane. I appreciate any support. I am honored that you have even considered my book. I hope it does accomplish 'your end goal.' And I do hope she will enjoy it. Much appreciation.

[Interbane]

Thrillwriter: "I hope it does accomplish 'your end goal.'"

Ahh, but the means are so fun I hope they don't lead to an end!

[Thrillwriter]

For your sake my friend, I hope not as well!

[bobby408]

Hi Diana!

I received your book and read the first eight chapters. So far, it is getting interesting. Before I began reading, I approached the book with mixed feelings. I know what I am interested in. I know what my passions are. So I knew not to set the bar too high and disappoint myself greatly.

Well, as I began reading, I felt that the entire book was going to disappoint me greatly. Chapter one was extremely uninteresting and, based on other mystery thrillers (tv or books), it seemed pretty standard and held nothing exciting. But, then came along chapter two. What a shocker!! It was such a big contrast between the first Chapter. The adrenaline and shock running through my veins while reading that chapter was unbelievable! However, I only hope that you do not wreck this feeling by trying to instill too much adrenaline-type events in your book. Too many shocking and "manic" episodes like chapter two will only wreck the effect that it is supposed to have on the reader. So I hope you created a balance so you will keep the reader interested and "wanting more," instead of satisfying the reader and ruining the effect.

Then came along chapters three through six. These chapters shed a little on the ethos of the main characters. However, not much information was shed on the personal lives and personal relationships of the characters. Maybe you do give this information further into the book. But so far it seems like Jameson, along with his sidekick, Daugherty, and Emily, do not seem to have personal lives with other people, like girlfriends or family members. The narrative does not seem realistic when there are almost no personal relationships (excluding work relationships).

Also, the ethos of Jameson does not seem too realistic. First, his constant state of nervousness does not seem like a mental state that could be lived with over numerous years. This constant mental state should eventually lead to something extreme, like death or total mental breakdown. Is his ethos ALWAYS like this? Has it always been this way ever since "the case?" Does this change throughout the story? Does he ever relax and slow down? Again, it is good to have adrenaline-type characters and events, but too much of this will only ruin its intended effect and seem out of touch. You must leave the reader lacking this, therefore, wanting more of it. Moreover, Jameson seems too compassionate for a male. This seems ok if he was a female. Even though there are lots of compassionate males, the way Jameson's emotions are engaged with everything does not seem realistic for a male at all. Also, if Jameson was so traumatized by "the case," then, realistically, he would suppress all these terrible emotions rather than showing them in his inherent nervousness. This suppression is a coping mechanism for humans. It would not be emotionally or mentally sound for someone NOT to suppress these traumatic emotions because, by not doing so, they would be jeopordizing their health (like Jameson's constant mental health which always seems on the virge of breakdown but this breakdown never seems to happen).

Also, the inter-personal relationships between Jameson and his colleagues (Emily, Daugherty, etc.) do not seem to have any conflicts, at least as of yet. There are always fights for influence and power between humans, even at the totally informal level. People are always trying to impose their view and their way of things on other people. I hope this reality will be manifest with Jameson and his colleagues, but it is too early to judge.

Although I pointed out many negative aspects of the novel (only because you specifically wanted me to without restraint), there are still many positives. I am very excited to see how, and if, this madman (which sadly is very realistic in the world today) will get caught or will he get away with his despicable acts. Moreover, I LOVE the mini-story between the madman and his victim, Dorothy. This aspect of the story gives it an interesting and shocking flavor that really makes me turn the pages like a madman! Moreover, the potential little triangle of love between Jameson, his sidekick, and Emily, provides for another interesting mini-story. I would like to see how this quasi-romance develops.

So far, it is too early to make generalizations but there are definitely things that could be done better. For one, the novel's out-of-touchness with reality could be dealt with. However, you did mention that you are an extremely introverted person. You love being alone with your books, dog, and computers. This fact may cloud the realities of the inter-workings of human relationships. Also, you grew up in a military family and this fact may also make it harder for you to develop deep personal relationships with other people and may be a reason for your isolationism and seeming want in the area of human relationships. I am sorry to say this but the inter-workings of your characters do not seem to be realistic, am I wrong or aren't novels supposed to be the author's "reflection of reality?" Second, this book reads like it is a first or second draft. I mean, the style could definitely be improved upon with some revising and editing.

Please forgive me Diana. I know this is harsh. I debated with myself if I should reveal the truth all at once or dispose of it slowly. I decided for the former since I made you a promise to go all out in my criticisms. Please understand that the only reason this post is filled with critical comments is because you wanted me to look for mistakes so you could identify them in the future and improve on your novels. I know that you could be SUCH A GREAT AUTHOR. You have ALL the characteristics of one. But I assure you that this will be impossible to attain without improving upon key areas (e.g. revising and editing, and being more in-touch). But I still enjoy reading the novel. I am excited and my emotions have been lit aflame with Dorothy's plight and I NEED to find out what happens to this poor girl and I NEED to get closure on the situation of the pathetic madman who is responsible for the plight of so many poor and innocent women. So I will read further and post a couple more posts, a few on the middle and end, and then I will post a final reply and summarize a critique on the novel. I am definitely looking forward to it!

[Thrillwriter]

Hi Bobby,

Please, please don't apologize. I did ask for your honest interpretation and critique. I have made the necessary notes and believe you are being completely honest with me. It is my very first novel so it most probably did need several revisions. I will not go into the details as of why this did not happen.

I am so happy you are giving me the feedback I truly need. How else can I become better if I don't know what, where, when I went wrong/astray/off kilter. How else am I to know what to correct or enhance if no one tells me.

I appreciate you doing this so much. I can not express my gratitude in mere words. But I do thank you. I know this is not the type of writing you enjoy.
Bless you truly with all my heart.

[bobby408]

Hi Diana!

WOW! If you really carry that attitude then you do not have to worry about improving. As long as you have that attitude of identifying your weaknesses then you will become A GREAT WRITER!

By the way, I hope my critique did not imply that I am not enjoying the novel. On the complete contrary! I am enjoying it a lot! But I understood, from yourself, that you wanted me to point out the mistakes so that is why my critique is full of, well, critiques lol. I just hope you understand that it is still a GREAT story and extremely engaging. The sad part about your novel is the extreme reality of it. Rape, murder, torture, and sexual molestation occurs nowadays MORE than at any other time in our history unfortunately. So I am glad that your novel brings this issue up to light and I hope that it will spark a national debate about this extremely neglected issue. So what you are doing, by bringing these hard, scary, but true issues to light, is insinuating the need to acknowledge these facts of life. And once these facts are acknowledged, work can begin on how to solve them. So, NEVER underestimate the good that you are doing for society...

[Thrillwriter]

Bobby,

Thank you. I am so glad to read that you are at least enjoying the story.

I never know where the idea for a new novel will spring from: Plots come to me at such odd moments, when I am walking along the street, or examining an object, reading the newspaper … suddenly a splendid idea comes into my head.

My inspiration comes from the world as it is, for better or worse. I draw on many situations and people I have met over the years as well as my family and circle of friends. I am a natural observer. I would rather watch people and surroundings than interact with them. You can find out a lot about a person or a place just by observing.

However, as you have pointed out, perhaps I should do a little more interaction and less observation.
affectionately,
Di

[Chris OConnor]

That was one of the most thorough (and blunt) criticisms of a novel I've seen in a long time. Such advice is invaluable and maybe a little painful to a new author. New, in that this is your first book, not in that you're a new writer. Hopefully Bobby has encouraged you to work on certain areas so that your next book will be even better. That is the purpose of constructive criticism, no matter how hard it might be to swallow.

Many books I've read over the years would have been improved had the author developed the characters in a bit more depth, but perhaps often authors get so caught up in the intricacies of the story that they forget how important it is for the reader to feel what the characters feel. Fiction is all about emotions, in my opinion, and it is easier to feel the flood of emotions when you know certain personal and intimate details of the lives of the story participants. How can you empathize with someone with whom you share no real bond?

I haven't yet read Vengeance Settles the Score, but this excerpt is very enticing:

Dorothy awoke to darkness. She thought she was groggy from the night before. She coaxed herself. Come on girl, open your eyes, you have to meet your mom this morning. She knew she had not had that much to drink at Eve's party last night. If she did, she would have a hangover that would top the charts. Her head was killing her and she felt nauseated. There was blood dripping from her head. She tried to get up but something was holding her down. She realized she could not move her hands or feet. Blackness confined her. She felt alone and desperate. Tears ran down her face as confusion took over. Her thoughts raced. What is going on, where am I? "Hello? Is anyone here?" She tried to speak but only muffled sounds came out. Slowly she began to remember, she never made it to Eve’s party. The last memory she recalled was her cell phone ringing as she was on her way out the door to leave for Eve’s party. The caller told her that someone broke into her car. The voice on the other end of the line told her, she needed to meet with campus security next to her car to fill out an incident report. He said it would not take long if they began the process right away. She walked down to her car and… and… her mind went blank.

I've added several links on BookTalk.org to your web site and book listing on Amazon.com so you'll hopefully see some additional feedback from other members over time.

[Thrillwriter]

Chris,

Thank you for everything that you are doing for me. I do appreciate it.

You know, I asked Bobby to do this for me because I knew he would be honest and forthright. A writer needs to hear these things because friends and family are too afraid of hurting their feeelings.

Believe me, if you only knew how many rejection letters I have received. You have to be tough skinned and be ble to take rejection/criticism well. I don't think of this as a personal attack. I read his critique for what it was.
And now I know areas where I am lacking. I have some things to work on and I can set some better goals now.

I've always dreamed of writing the "Great American Novel" ... it's silly I know, and most likely will never come about, but I see this as a positive and not as a negative feedback. I am well on my way.

[bobby408]

Hi Di!

I am just about halfway through your book and I am having lots of fun reading it. You have not ruined the novel with excess moments of crises. Between chapters 7- 13, the story has shifted focus to the main characters, mainly Jameson, Em, Walker, and the Philips sisters. You have stepped a little back after the exciting and heart-pounding story of Dorothy's relationship with her captor.

Getting to know more about the main characters and their relationships to others has been very fun. Em is a very vibrant and strong character. She is the one, I think, out of the three co-workers (Jamison, Walker, and Em) that really keeps the group glued together. She tries to give words of encouragement and make the mood a little happier when things are down and depressing. As for Jameson, he seems wired as usual lol. He is always thinking and preoccupied with the "horror" of the case. This 5-yr old case has really consumed his life and he has yet from moving on. Well, he CANT move on and amend his past because this same case, and the villain, have again manifest themselves in his life. So I could sense the melancholy in this man's life and I don't blame him for it. I would be consumed and melancholic if I happened to be in his circumstances. So, I have much enjoyed the little adventure of the characters on their business trip. It's like I am taking a vacation away from my life and I would guess this points to some success in the fiction-realm. So, Diana, you have so far done a magnificent job in keeping my interest.

HOWEVER, when I think about putting myself in your position, I cannot help but have done a few things different that might have made your story awesome and great, not just good. You have a good story so far but this story could have been a great and truly career-making for you. Even though I have had some fun reading the book, there is still more potential to make the story much more fun and exciting, adding another dimension and impact on the story. You could have added much more tension and drama in the story to truly make it a great thriller.

In your story, beautiful American girls have been tortured, raped, and murdered, and one of their bodies found on a university campus. This event should have exploded in local papers, probably even spread to the national press. Even if the coverage was just local, this would have added an exciting political element to the story. The political backlash would have undoubtedly been a wave of fear and anger from the public. There will be fear from not knowing when or where the villain will strike next, and anger at the city and police for letting the same killer come back again and succeed again without getting caught. Therefore, there will be GREAT amounts of political pressure on the mayor and the police department to crack this case. People are scared and they want this killer caught now!

So, with the addition of this new political dimension to the story, now the stakes are higher, more exciting, and consists of more drama. The mayor and the chief of police must take care of this case. Jameson's boss, Daugherty, would probably want to take more control over this case to make sure it goes right, because failure will probably mean his job along with many other city officials. So, there could be a "battle of wills" between Jameson and his crew (Em and Walker) vs. the chief, the mayor and others who would want to involve themselves in the case and try to wrest control of this case to get what they want. These added elements of inter-relational conflicts between Jameson and his superiors' also adds more drama and tension to the story. The odds are now even more stacked up against the trio (J, Em, and Walker). Will the villain successfully avoid getting caught because of the great divisions and mounting pressure inherent in the police department? Or will Jameson and his crew remain diligent and conquer these seemingly insurmountable obstacles??

Moreover, imagine you added the national element to the story, involving the higher parts of the FBI, the NSA, and the Department of Homeland security. This would be especially true if the event went into national media coverage and would have put much pressure on the federal government to make sure this case is solved and make the people feel safe again. By adding this "national element," the possibilities to make the novel more exciting and dramatic are endless.

Moreover, even though your story is good, the novel seemed rushed a bit. I don't know if there is a legitimate reason for not revising and editing the story more but there may have been so I have no right to criticize. However, if it was me, I would have gone to the ends of the world to make sure my first novel, which can make me or break me, be written to the BEST of my abilities. My first novel is what puts me on the map and tells the whole world about me. I have a chance to really WOW the fiction world and this cannot happen with a rushed novel, for whatever reason. Your novel is a good and exciting story but, if more time, diligence, and reflection were put into it, you would have definitely wowed the fiction world.

Yours truly and forever,
bobby

p.s. If you would like me to email you my critiques in private, rather than a public discussion-board, then let me know by emailing me: [email protected]