George Bush's resignation speech...

[Chris OConnor]

If Bush resigned today, this is what his speech should be.....

Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.

I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.

Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil' thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq 's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.

Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.

You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops. Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol. I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.

I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.

Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

So that's it. God bless what's left of America . Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off.

[Chris OConnor]

The above speech was circulated in an email I received today and is not my own writing. But please feel free to associate it with me as I agree with the overall tone and message.

[Dissident Heart]

Here's the speech I'd like to hear from Mr. Bush.

"Sorry. I suppose I should start out with an attempt to take some responsibility for the mess we're currently in. And, no matter what I've told you in the past- we are in a terrible mess, perhaps unsolvable and beyond repair. Much of this mess is the direct result of my Presidential Administration for the past 8 years. Since I was the one who was elected, I will bear the brunt of the consequences and ask only that justice be served. Lenience should be shown to those I manipulated and coerced into compliance- but the full force of law should be sent my way. The buck stops here.

I am tired of the performance. I am not a man of the people and have spent a lifetime in complete contempt for the "everyman" and have no sense for what democracy requires or how to do it. I am a child of exorbiant priviledge and extraordinary status: I know next to nothing of the sacrifices made by working people, and have spent my life avoiding it. I have commited my labors first to myself, and then to those I wanted to please: men of great wealth and priviledge who promised some sort of advancement in my career or acceptance in their vaulted community. My public service has been an attempt to keep wealth in the hands of the wealthiest among us: the tiny elite that I have been surrounded by my entire life. I despise democracy as a threat to all I hold dear- no matter what I have told you in the past. Working men and women deserve their miseries. It is nobody's fault but their own if they can't get what I have. They need to understand the real world: the rich rule and the poor serve. We have no desire to share any of our fortunes with anyone, and there isn't enough to go around for everyone. So the rest of you are on your own. I am a greedy bastard and worship the wealth that greed provides- please don't let any of my talk about democracy or the public good get in the way of this terrible fact.

Be clear, our massively bloated military industrial complex is not about protecting democracy here or anywhere. It is about increasing the wealth of the few very powerful interests that I work for. Actually, the miliary machine is fundamentally out of control...as are most modern industrial and political systems: none of us really know what is going on nor can we get a handle on what the hell to do. That's why I like to tell simplistic stories about us that's good versus them that's evil. It's much easier to get people excited about evil threats that will destroy everything they hold dear. I've mastered that ability. It's far more difficult, perhaps impossible, to really address the complex and interconnected tragedies and traumas that plague our planet. Better to bomb enemies into submission with the most fabulous armada that has ever existed! Most of you feel utterly powerless in your daily lives...it feels to good to know that someone somewhere is able to kick the shit out of the bad guys: that's me. And, it's a load of bullshit.

I've had access to the best scientific minds on the planet, and have managed to ignore them all. Except the ones that can promise better bombs and how to deliver them. We are headed toward an ecological catastrophe that, well, I suppose surpasses our worst fears. And I've been the premier enabler in keeping us distracted and ill-equipped to prepare for it. I have encouraged all of you to minimize and deny the threat and avoid its implications. I should have done everything in my power to redirect energy policy, and direct industrial-commercial-public-private construction to follow sustainable practices...and I could have led the world in waking up to the threat and transforming how we do business industry and politics. Instead, I went in the opposite direction- waging war for a fossil fuel economy and lifestyle that will only pour fuel on the impending global fire we are now facing.

I wish I could say that my intentions were good and that my flawed efforts were really meant to make life better for all Americans, and even the world. But that would be a lie. Frankly, there is little about my 8 years in office that hasn't been a lie. And, by the grace of God, or who knows what, I've decided that enough is enough and I simply cannot continue with the madness. I throw myself on the mercy of the American people and ask only that justice be served. Please forgive me."

[Chris OConnor]

Dissident, would it be fair to say you won't be voting Republican this election?

[Dissident Heart]

chris: Dissident, would it be fair to say you won't be voting Republican this election?

darnedtootin' That doesn't mean I am terribly eager to jump on board the Democratic ticket either. But, I truly think the slate of Republican candidates for President are really quite dangerous.

[jales4]

Hi Chris,

Let me add:

I apologise to America, and all democratic nations, for accepting the presidency when many in the nation and the world believe that the results were flawed. In a democratic country, the person with the most votes should be elected.

France and Canada both refused to back America in hunting for weapons of mass destruction, believing that more information was needed. I am sorry I reacted in anger and haste, and involved my country in an action that cost humanity more innocent lives. The deaths caused by this are blood on my hands, just as the deaths from 9/11 on are the terrorists hands.

I am sorry that when New Orleans needed me, I let them down. You can bet if this scale of damage was caused by terrorism rather than nature, I would have committed all of America's resources for retribution.

I am sorry that I have sullied the reputation of America in the eyes of the rest of world. Instead of respect, we are now regarded with derision. Instead of our government being seen as being fair, it is seen as a bully. Instead of our government being seen as honest, we are seen as liars and manipulators of facts.

I apologise to Canada for the Softwood Lumber Dispute, which bankrupted many companies and caused economic hardship Canada-wide. When every court that heard the case ruled in favor of Canada, I am sorry I chose not to follow their rulings, but instead continued doing what I thought was best. Not right, as proven in court, but what served my interests. When I finally decided to listen to the courts, and was told the conditions of settling the Softwood Lumber Dispute, I am sorry I refused to follow the court's ruling, and offered Canada far less than their due - and threatened that if they didn't accept it, I would just go on ignoring the ruling.

I am sorry that I have used the North American Free Trade Agreement to bully Canada and Mexico. I have used my country's size and economic power to get what I want, no matter the costs to those countries.

I am sorry.

[Mr. P]

Dissident, would it be fair to say you won't be voting Republican this election?

Chris...come on now. Bush is a friggin retard. Many people are agreeing to this now except die hard Republicans. The man is a failure. Are you still behind this guy?

As for the 'speech'...as long as he resigns, I will not care what he says and will not ask questions. Deal?


Mr. P.

[Ophelia]

Chris,

I must say that this speech is certainly stirring up a lot of interest!

One problem is that the original writer, as well as Dissident Heart I'm afraid, are way off as far as style and thinking ability are concerned.

One of my friends keeps criticizing president Sarkozy on the grounds that he (Sarko) doesn't write his speeches himself. Then I answer that this is not a valid criticizm, as no president anywhere seems to do the writing himself.

Although, in the case of George W, I often wonder.

[Ophelia]

I apologize to the rest of the world for refusing to ratify the Kyoto Protocol (though in this case to be honest I still can't tell whether I was leading or following the American public).

I apologize especially to

a- those countries that do not have the considerable financial means I have at my disposal.

b- those who are making their best effort to clean up and keep sneezing because of the toxic fumes I'm sending them from across the Atlantic.

[irishrosem]

If Bush resigned today, this is what his speech should be.....

Yawn...

One of the things I'm really looking forward to, with whoever is voted into office, is no longer being subjected to this type of tired, insipid rhetoric. Not to say that the new administration won't have rhetoric of its own. But at least it'll have that new car smell. Nor do I expect it to be so laughably predictable and so patently disingenuous.